Just last night I listened to a song I'd recorded recently, and while the husky voice singing to me was pleasant, it wasn't me. I want to sound like myself again.
It all started with a scratchy throat about three shows into our UK tour. I chalked it up to fatigue and a budding cold, and I pushed through, using "Vocalzone" lozenges each night to get through the shows. Any singer will tell you that lozenges simply mask the problem, but I wanted (and needed) to get through the shows and they were working wonders. So that's what I did, for a good two weeks.
After coming back from the UK, and with a bit of time to recuperate, my clear upper range still wasn't coming back. I headed to the Toronto Western Artist's Health Centre to get some input. I spoke with their Registered Nurse, who referred me to Toronto's top ENT at St. Michael's Hospital. To my dismay, the earliest they will see me is March 2014. Yes, folks... MARCH. This is where I write a blog about our healthcare system. Ha!
In the meantime, I have been trying a broad range of techniques to work through this voicelessness. First, I started to see a vocal coach - Montreal-raised, Toronto-based Amanda Mabro. She's been an incredible source of inspiration and positivity; in addition to all the great knowledge Amanda has been sharing, she won't let me get down in the dumps about my situation: she won't let me think the worse. I am very lucky to have her, and she comes highly recommended.
At our first meeting, Amanda pointed out two major culprits:
1. Lack of sleep
I don't sleep like I used to. This is not the place to discuss how little (restful) sleep I am getting, but it's pretty bad. Not as bad as some parents experience with a one-year-old, but still not enough, especially given all the touring and singing we're up to. I need rest, the real deal for many hours in a row, and that's just not happening right now.
2. Technique
As suspected, I have developed some bad singing habits over the years, and they're starting to take their toll. I've never had any vocal lessons, and am now wishing I had. Amanda and I working on changing the way I sing, without changing the sound of my voice (because I kind of like how I sing!). Hopefully these new techniques will reduce the strain on my vocal chords going forward.
There are some other factors at play as well. Here are the ones I think are taking the most toll:
Asthma
I've had Asthma since the age of 10. I'm very lucky to have access to a great Lung Specialist at Toronto Western Hospital. I've been working with him for years to make sure the daily inhaled steroids that I take have the least impact possible on my vocal chords. Even still, there is no question that they contribute to drying me out.
This week we met to discuss my vocal issues and we're working on a new plan which includes an Aero Chamber to lessen the inhaled particles hitting the back of my throat. Every little bit!
Coffee & Alcohol
I love coffee. I love coffee more than wine and beer, which I've pretty much given up for the time being. Although recently in a moment of desperation I drank a shot of scotch at set break to get through the second half of the show. I was feeling desperate...it worked at the time, but I'm sure I paid the price the next day. I just have to accept the fact that my singing voice does not allow me to drink whiskey every night. Bummer.
Coffee is another story. Every morning I wake up and I say: "Tomorrow! I'll stop drinking coffee tomorrow!" I know it's drying out my voice, but it really does help me through the day (especially with all that sleeplessness!) So I drink coffee, and loads and loads of water. I pee twice an hour, but at least I'm keeping my throat lubricated
Talking
My talking habits have contributed to these issues. Basically, I speak more loudly than I need to, and I speak in a low range while I sing in upper registers. I think I taught myself to speak like this years ago, because I felt it gave me more authority. Ha! I have to accept the fact that my voice falls naturally in a higher register, and that I am not meant to sound sexy. Not even in my singing voice...it's okay, Caroline. Get over it!
Touring, Touring, Touring
I feel that these vocal issues have persisted (and gotten worse) because I've been singing through strained vocal chords for months. We go on tour and my voice feels okay (though not 100%) for a few shows. Then it slowly degrades each night until the last few shows, when I literally start squeaking. I haven't hit the last high note in the Heebie Jeebies for months. It's so depressing.
Also, the problem with touring is that it's designed to kill your voice: Long drives in cars with bad ventilation, smoky hotel rooms, flights that suck all the moisture out of your body, sleeplessness (Remember that night I played until 2 and Annie got up at 7? Read about it here!), singing, talking loudly over the hum of a van, laughing with your friends...it's terrible. But also awesome.
This is our first real break in a long time, and it's most necessary, especially as we ramp up to do 29 shows on the Vinyl Cafe Christmas Tour. It's going to be insane, but also awesome. I'm hoping the combination of many approaches will help me sound myself again, but my sense is that complete vocal rest is the only thing that will do it. I hate to admit it because I love hanging out with friends and family while I'm home and gabbing over the din of a bar while a band is setting up. And also - how do I accomplish complete silence with 1 year old who babbles and points, asking "dat?" (what's that?) every 10 seconds? I can't leave her hanging!
Saddest part of this whole thing? I can't sing lullabies to Annabelle. I cannot sing quietly to my baby, and in the few times I've tried to lull her to sleep with a song, it's been difficult. A singer not being able to sing lullabies to her baby is the plot of a heartbreaking drama.
It's late, and time to enter dreamland. That's where I sing these days.
'Til next time,
Caroline
I have another friend who had major issues with his vocal cords a few years ago where he couldn't sing for awhile (he is also a musician). The good news is, he saw a specialist and his voice is back!
ReplyDeleteIt has got to be hard to not be able to sing to your daughter, but the good news is you have recorded songs with your voice on them that you can play for her!
It sounds like you know what to do to get your voice back. Now you just have to commit to doing it (and I don't mean not talking to your daughter when she asks a question, because that is impossible!!!!) That said, I had to do it for two weeks last summer because I completely lost my voice for that long. That was a tough two weeks with the little ones!
Congrats on being part of the Vinyl Cafe Christmas Tour!!! Stuart Maclean rocks. I hope your voice is back in full force by then!
I can relate to so much of what you've written about in this latest blog. I had major fears about getting vocal coaching. I didn't want to lose the me-ness in my voice. I didn't want to admit that the 'natural gift' I'd been given was one that I needed to 'learn' how to use - particularly when I didn't see many other folk singers getting lessons (it seemed rather 'precious' to need a vocal coach!).
ReplyDeleteBut it was the BEST investment. I only took six lessons - just enough to learn about vocal warm-ups, breathing, and singing without straining my chords. I'm so glad you've found a supportive and caring vocal coach to guide you through this tough time.
I had to laugh at your reference to your 'speaking voice'. My vocal coach asked me why I spoke with such a deep voice and I explained it was my years of training as a broadcast journalist. My 'reporter voice' had become my 'real voice' to the detriment of my 'singing voice' (sooo many voices!).
I still struggle with the 'silent-Ange' side of my life. When I know I have lots of gigs coming up, I try to explain to my friends that I won't be available for those 2-hour phone conversations. It can be hard. I love chatting. My voice - whether it's used to talk or sing - is so much a part of who I am as a person, so not using it can make me feel very sad.
I've also had to admit that my voice is not as tough as the voices of other singers. I can't drink beer all night / jam at festivals until the early hours of the morning / belt out song after song. Maybe that makes me 'weak' in this 'tough' music industry of ours but I'm okay with that.
Do you like licorice? I find a warm cup of licorice tea before a gig is really lovely for the vocal chords. I often drink it on stage (people think it's whisky if I put it in a glass ;-)
Keep listening to your body. Rest as much as you can. Don't be afraid of offending people with your silence. You are a gorgeous woman with a gorgeous voice and there's a reason you are exploring this stuff at this point in time.
Sending you huge love from Oz