Baby's here to stay.

I can't put her back. It's a terribly honest thing to admit, especially about such an easy-going little baby girl, who has the sweetest of dispositions. And I say this with irony and humour, my lip curling at the corner. But truly, the honeymoon is over. The baby is here to stay.

Annie's about to hit 7 months next week, and I concede that for the first time I feel overwhelmed by this whole Motherhood and travel thing (fellow Moms, with collicky, challenging babies are rolling their eyes here - "really it took you this long?"). It's something I knew I would encounter - I just didn't know when it would strike. But here it is.

Perfect baby-A. Who would want to send this little Peanut back?

As a kid, I used to have this nightmare. The dream is incredibly difficult to put into words, as it was more a feeling than a visual experience: I would lay in bed, and a giant wave - of something - would wash over me. The best I can describe it is as a sound that steadily increases in volume without end (imagine the crescendo of the reversed tape loop in The Beatles A Day in the Life). When I'm overwhelmed, this bad dream becomes reality, and lately I'm experiencing that dream-like tidal wave.

There are many factors contributing to this feeling; a heavy touring schedule being the main culprit. The Good Lovelies have been on the road for the better part of 4 months. And, we've been doing alot of "in-and-out" touring; rather than long stretches away, we've been coming home between dates. This necessitates the unpacking and repacking of our bags and travel gear. And because we do not travel lightly, it takes me a day (sometimes two!) to organize our stuff, leaving precious little enjoyable home-time.

Another major culprit? Sleep deprivation. It's not that I'm not getting any sleep, it just rarely lasts for longer than 2-3 hours at a time. Long sleeps are now elusive here in Brooks-Love land. While she started off as a very good sleeper, that is no longer her "thing", especially on days when afternoon naps are usurped by travel/soundcheck and all that backstage excitement.

Every once in awhile she'll sleep straight through (like once every 2 weeks), and we'll hope for a repeat the next night...(cue evil laugh). For now, I expect at least two wails a night from the "Boob Vampire" for cuddles and milk (it's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it.)

One step ahead.

And in all this now, I am trying to write tunes for a new album with the Lovelies. Naps are the most logical time to get this done, but those piles of laundry (dear God, the LAUNDRY) and dishes in the kitchen are beckoning. I've always needed a clean space to be productive, so the songs end up waiting. And they're not writing themselves, so I'll have to get my rubber gloves on before that guitar gets picked up.

We are a few shows away from 6 weeks at home. 6 blessed weeks, with the luggage stowed in the basement, and Annabelle's jolly-jumper securely fastened in the same doorway. Routine, (read: regular, predictable naps), good food, family time, and catching up with friends. Also, songwriting, gardening and spring. I can taste it. We're so close.

I suppose I'm feeling spread thin. Again, I say all this with the full knowledge that Annabelle is a very easy baby, and that I am blessed with incredibly supportive friends and family. I'm bowing down to single moms and the parents of multiples who manage to keep it all together.

Despite all this, I would take her over everything. Songwriting, touring, music. And there it is.

Thanks for putting up with the soapbox. I'll be posting a more practical "Mom-on-the-Road" blog early next week.

Til next time,

Caroline

Mommy-Guilt

I was raised Catholic, and so I have some experience with guilt. It is a very familiar feeling to me - most present on Sundays when I can’t make it home to Whitby to have dinner with my family, or when I’ve missed someone’s birthday or an important holiday because I’m on the road. I felt loads of guilt when I left on our first Good Lovelies tour 11 days after I got married (for two months, and we took his car). It also blindsided me when I got pregnant and realized how much my new life would affect my band mates and our touring schedule (and rehearsal, and recording, and everything basically). So you see, I know guilt well.

What I didn’t realize was how overwhelming that sentiment would become as I entered into Motherhood.

Now there’s guilt for new reasons: It’s there at the end of the day when I feel I haven’t spent enough time focusing on Annabelle, when I find myself writing a blog instead of playing with her. When I look at her tired eyes at the end of a show, still an hour from getting her to bed, it’s there. I feel it after driving 6 hours to a venue, the baby reaching eagerly to get out of her car seat, and when I wake her up early to get a head start on our next day.

This is not an insular experience; in my conversations with other Moms, I am learning that much of this guilt stems from wanting to be/do everything perfectly. Many Mamas feel pressure to become “super-moms”: to be omni-present and to keep your child programmed, to be healthy and in shape, to work and be satisfied in your career, to grow creatively and pursue your interests (among other things!). And it doesn’t help that we are constantly bombarded with information from all angles. Self-help books, Facebook ads, mommy-blogs (like this one?), that lady who lives next door - all telling us how to be better at this. It’s really annoying. And really frigging confusing.

**To read a bit more about "Mommy-guilt" check out this excellent article, "Guilt, Motherhood and the Pursuit of Perfection" in Psychology Today. I especially enjoy the author's resolve to trust her own instincts. I think that sentiment is keeping me sane these days.

I find myself making excuses all the time now, such as “yes I went back to work right away, but I’m with her almost all the time, so it’s okay.” Or “she’s very well-adjusted and doesn’t mind being watched by strangers.” And “we’re going to get her on a proper schedule when I’m home in May.” Or "Sure she's small, but well within the average." Why do I constantly feel the need to apologize? Why do I have this feeling that I'm letting her (and all my critics) down?

I talked about this with my own Mom on my last tour to Ohio. One of the things that I love about my Mom is that she really doesn’t sweat the small stuff; she makes decisions and does not waffle: she lives with them. Case in point: when I was 5 months old, she had to go back to work. It was the way it was; it was our life, and she says that it was okay.

Mom had some great advice for me; if your baby is happy, then you’re doing alright. This made me feel much better, given Annie’s perma-smile - at least for the time now, while she has her Mom within reach, and only a few metres away onstage.

Sweet Baby smiling, on yet another road trip

As Annabelle starts to grow, I know that the guilt of constant travel will grow too, culminating on the day that I leave to go on tour for the first time without her. That day I dread like baby pooping during turbulence. Except it will be much much worse than that. The thought of being without her, of “leaving her behind” gives me an ache in my chest. I start to worry that being away will cause her years of resentment and anger, and that as a teenager she'll run away from home with gypsies, get picked up by the police after graffiti-ing city hall and cite my absence as the reason for her rebellion. I’m not ready to deal with that. Seriously, have you seen My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding? It's TERRIBLE!

This week we hit the road for a tour through Virginia, North and South Carolina and Georgia. It will be the first tour for us without a nanny. Each night we'll have a new babysitter to watch Annabelle during soundcheck and the show. It will be interesting to see how this goes; whether she’ll fuss at the nightly strangers, or settle into a groove of indifference (I am hoping the later).

Here’s hoping guilt doesn’t punch me in the stomach when I hand her over each evening.

Til next time,

Caroline